how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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