Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
