Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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