mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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