I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
