last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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