Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
