Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
