Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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