I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Let's get the cat blown out
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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