Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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