Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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