Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
