im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize