Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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