he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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