oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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