Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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