Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize