i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
