last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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