u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
