Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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