I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
send nudes
from the living room?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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