how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
