i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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