Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
