your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
