Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
