Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
