The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
