dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
