Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
