got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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