He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize