My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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