we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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