I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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