Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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