i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
