Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
