why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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