Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
