I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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