I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
