i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
