Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize