I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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