Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
