He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
