I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
