ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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