Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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