I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
