Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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