I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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