I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
