She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
