I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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